You may have heard me mention a “shitty breakup” that took place last fall. In fact, the nightmare of those four days took place exactly six months ago this past weekend.
To give you a little bit of context, my ex and I were together for two years. There was a lot about our relationship that was really good and loving, but we simply weren’t right for each other. We “officially” broke up last summer, but continued for all intents and purposes to be in each other’s lives as partners because we loved each other so much. So of course, I was fully invested in supporting her with her big annual event: a four-day in-residence retreat in September.
The specifics of what happened at that event are not important for this story. All you need to know is that my partner of two years broke my trust more hurtfully than I ever thought possible, in a way that was completely out of integrity at every turn. Even worse, this betrayal took place during a time when I put everything else aside to help her and support her vision. Even worse still, I was stuck at this event for four days in a leadership role. I couldn’t leave, as I was responsible for her event attendees. My only option for external support was two other staffers who knew what was going on and helped me hold it together in front of 60+ people. During that time, I called deeply upon my own reserves of resilience and self-love. All you need to know is that those were four of the most challenging days of my life, and I’ve been healing and processing the resulting lessons and trauma in waves for the last six months.
Please understand, I’m in a good place now. In fact, I’m super impressed with myself and the amazing healing work I’ve done. (Self-hug. Good job, Michelle!) Overall, I have grown into a much healthier, more vibrant and alive place than I’ve been in a long time. And even though that challenging experience gave rise to so much growth and goodness, that doesn’t mean it wasn’t hard as f***. Even six months later, I still have the occasional wave of trauma echoes rolling through, and I get to roll up my sleeves and practice grace and compassion.
One such wave came through in a big way last week, and it's directly related to that powerful Full Moon. (Did you see it coming up huge and orange the other night???)
I felt “off” all day Thursday and Friday. I felt tender, reactive, volatile and like my energy was blocked. I did my practices, canceled everything that wasn’t important and took care of myself because I could tell something big was ready to shift.
On Friday night, I woke up promptly a few minutes before 3am. (The time period of 3-5am is when a lot of energy healing and psychic activity takes place. Usually I’ll wake up at that time if there’s deep healing work to be done, or Spirit really wants my attention.) Instead of feeling exasperated or resentful as I sometimes do when nudged awake at this hour, I asked with calm curiosity, “What do you want me to know?”
Immediately, I knew that I was being haunted. I rarely use that term, but the word “haunted” popped unmistakably into my mind, and I felt a lingering energy present with me. I asked if I was being haunted by my ex. “Not exactly.” I felt some of her energy but it didn’t feel like her, specifically. I asked if I was being haunted by anyone or anything else. “No.”
Then I saw a vision of myself from six months ago, and I realized that I was being haunted by this past version of myself. I looked awful. The energy around me was sharp, hot and fragmented, like shattered glass. I also felt a lot of wetness (grief is a very “wet” emotional energy). This version of me from the past looked enraged, on the verge of tears, and ready to explode. In other words, I saw myself as I felt during those four days.
I maintained the feeling of calm curiosity as I surrounded this vision of myself with love and compassion. As I soothed this Self, I was transported back to the event. I saw my Current Self standing next to my Past Self. I saw my Current Self at times literally with my hands on my shoulders from behind, offering love and support to my Past Self. I literally had my own back. I watched myself walk by my own side through every trauma of those four days. My Current Self held my Past Self as I sobbed in rage and grief. I got to relive one of the most hurtful experiences of my life from the perspective of six months down the road, knowing that I am whole and illuminated on the other side of this challenge. I got to support my Past Self from a place of empowerment, grace and feeling secure in my own health, well-being and aliveness. Instead of simply remembering the event as my Past Self, I got to re-experience it with my Past Self, with all the perspective and grace of my current reality. And it felt completely different.
Take a moment and let this sink in: I got to retroactively go back and offer myself healing through the timeline (Energetic Principle #1, above). Read on.
When I think about my lived experience of the event, I remember how supported I felt, even in the midst of four of the worst days of my life. Despite the devastating feeling of betrayal and horrible disillusionment, despite feeling bitter, trapped and alone, I remember feeling almost surprised at how much loving energy I felt around me. I remember several moments when I looked around and almost laughed at the astonishing juxtaposition: on one hand, a key area of my life was actively falling apart in irreparable damage. On the other, I felt more connected, supported and loved than I had any logical reason to feel.
I know now that, during the event, the support I felt was coming not only from my Guides and Teachers (as I thought at the time), but also from my Current Self offering healing that positively impacted my past experience (Energetic Principle #2, above). Read on.
Two of these moments in particular stand out:
On Saturday night after the main event of the evening, I made my way back to the staff house I shared with my partner. I didn’t even know if she would come back that night, or if she would find somewhere else to stay. Regardless, I felt sickened, physically nauseated and shaking from head to toe. Then the weirdest sensation came over me, and I watched as my hands started packing up all my things. Literally, that’s what it felt like. I didn’t consciously make the decision, but somehow my body was moving as if someone else had taken control and was telling it what to do. I watched my body move calmly around the space and was fascinated at the precise care and assuredness my hands exhibited, while my heart and mind felt anything but calm. At the time, I simply marveled at the feeling and let it happen.
The other night as I lay in bed and watched this vision, I saw my Current Self packing up my things at the event. I watched myself calmly and firmly guide my Past Self to take the necessary steps to remove myself from further harm, just as I would guide a friend or client in the middle of a traumatic situation. What I experienced in the moment at the event was my Current Self directing my movements, during a time when I was incapable of making grounded decisions and taking empowered action. Just like my friend describing the car accident, I experienced the visceral feeling of receiving my own, retroactive healing during the traumatic moment itself.
The other big moment of healing I experienced directly while at the event took place that night as I lay awake in a fiery rage. After wandering around and finding absolutely no available beds (short of dragging a mattress into the van), I had decided to sleep on a narrow cot in the next room, rather than stay one more second in a bed I had shared with my partner. I lay seething, wracked with grief and rage in equal measure, and used my breath to open my channels and allow the energy to flow. Suddenly, I was overcome with bliss. I didn’t consciously understand it, but I knew somehow that I had shifted out of the raw pain and into the pure life force at its core. I didn’t question it, I simply let myself dissolve in that bliss and be revitalized by it.
The other night as I watched this vision, I saw my Current Self kneeling beside the cot, placing my hands on my Past Self and offering all the healing love and compassion in my heart. And I saw the practices and intention I had at the time combine with and respond to this healing through the timeline. In the past, I experienced it as an inexplicable gratitude and euphoria. But now I know that I was able to retroactively heal and alter my lived experience of an incredibly traumatic circumstance. I felt healing take place the other night as I offered love to myself in the past, and I felt healing even while at the event, as I received love and blessings from myself in the future.
When I eventually did go back to sleep the other night, I knew that some profound healing work had taken place. Indeed, the next several days have felt much lighter and clearer.
TAKEAWAYS:
(If you decided to skip ahead, resume reading here.)
I was guided by Spirit to offer healing energy to a past situation, and it worked.
I experienced a profound and immediate relief by offering healing energy through the timeline. I feel the effects of this healing not only in my current reality, but I also experienced the benefits during the traumatic incident itself.
As citizens of Earth and Lightworkers on this planet, we all received a powerful Priest/ess activation from the Virgo Full Moon. We are all being prompted and activated to offer healing energy throughout the timeline for the benefit of All Beings.
As we are empowered Creators building a New Earth, we have the opportunity to offer healing to our ancestors, to our own past lives, to our descendants and to the future of Earth.
It is vitally important that we use this Sacred Work to offer healing through the timeline, not only to clear and heal trauma from the past, but also to set the course for our future, personally and collectively.
At a time of tremendous uncertainty and fear, a lot of people are asking, “What’s going to happen?” Friends, we answer that question every day with our choices, our prayers, our words and our actions. Instead of asking what the future holds, part of the Priest/ess path is the Sacred Work of anchoring in the frequency of harmonious alignment, joy, peace and right relation that spans throughout the timeline. The Sacred Work is to lovingly guide our planet and all beings to live in alignment with frequency, and create a New Earth in that vision.
Get Support:
Are you ready to step fully into your Embodied, Wild Self and offer powerful healing throughout the timeline, for the benefit of All Beings?
Apply now for Embody Wild™ 1:1! Check out the details and submit your application here.
Practice Prompts For You:
(This is a new style so I'm open to feedback on this variation of Practice Prompt--let me know how you like it! One prompt each for ceremony, journaling, movement, discussion and inspired action.)
Ceremony: Hold a Full Moon ritual for yourself (if you haven’t already)
Journal: What is my Sacred Work?
Move: Ask your body how it wants to feel, move and express your Sacred Work. Dance, roll, stretch, walk it out.
Discuss: With a friend/family/community member, talk about the concept of healing through the timeline. What past challenges and traumas would you like to heal for yourself and for the planet? What future healing would you like to see for yourself and for everyone?
Act: What ONE inspired action step can you take TODAY to move in this direction?
Get Support: Are you ready to step fully into your Embodied, Wild Self and offer powerful healing throughout the timeline, for the benefit of All Beings?
Apply now for Embody Wild™ 1:1!
