Healing Through the Timeline: Trauma, Ancestors and a New Earth

You may have heard me mention a “shitty breakup” that took place last fall. In fact, the nightmare of those four days took place exactly six months ago this past weekend.

To give you a little bit of context, my ex and I were together for two years. There was a lot about our relationship that was really good and loving, but we simply weren’t right for each other. We “officially” broke up last summer, but continued for all intents and purposes to be in each other’s lives as partners because we loved each other so much. So of course, I was fully invested in supporting her with her big annual event: a four-day in-residence retreat in September.

The specifics of what happened at that event are not important for this story. All you need to know is that my partner of two years broke my trust more hurtfully than I ever thought possible, in a way that was completely out of integrity at every turn. Even worse, this betrayal took place during a time when I put everything else aside to help her and support her vision. Even worse still, I was stuck at this event for four days in a leadership role. I couldn’t leave, as I was responsible for her event attendees. My only option for external support was two other staffers who knew what was going on and helped me hold it together in front of 60+ people. During that time, I called deeply upon my own reserves of resilience and self-love. All you need to know is that those were four of the most challenging days of my life, and I’ve been healing and processing the resulting lessons and trauma in waves for the last six months.

Please understand, I’m in a good place now. In fact, I’m super impressed with myself and the amazing healing work I’ve done. (Self-hug. Good job, Michelle!) Overall, I have grown into a much healthier, more vibrant and alive place than I’ve been in a long time. And even though that challenging experience gave rise to so much growth and goodness, that doesn’t mean it wasn’t hard as f***. Even six months later, I still have the occasional wave of trauma echoes rolling through, and I get to roll up my sleeves and practice grace and compassion.

One such wave came through in a big way last week, and it's directly related to that powerful Full Moon. (Did you see it coming up huge and orange the other night???)

I felt “off” all day Thursday and Friday. I felt tender, reactive, volatile and like my energy was blocked. I did my practices, canceled everything that wasn’t important and took care of myself because I could tell something big was ready to shift.

On Friday night, I woke up promptly a few minutes before 3am. (The time period of 3-5am is when a lot of energy healing and psychic activity takes place. Usually I’ll wake up at that time if there’s deep healing work to be done, or Spirit really wants my attention.) Instead of feeling exasperated or resentful as I sometimes do when nudged awake at this hour, I asked with calm curiosity, “What do you want me to know?”

Immediately, I knew that I was being haunted. I rarely use that term, but the word “haunted” popped unmistakably into my mind, and I felt a lingering energy present with me. I asked if I was being haunted by my ex. “Not exactly.” I felt some of her energy but it didn’t feel like her, specifically. I asked if I was being haunted by anyone or anything else. “No.”

Then I saw a vision of myself from six months ago, and I realized that I was being haunted by this past version of myself. I looked awful. The energy around me was sharp, hot and fragmented, like shattered glass. I also felt a lot of wetness (grief is a very “wet” emotional energy). This version of me from the past looked enraged, on the verge of tears, and ready to explode. In other words, I saw myself as I felt during those four days.

I maintained the feeling of calm curiosity as I surrounded this vision of myself with love and compassion. As I soothed this Self, I was transported back to the event. I saw my Current Self standing next to my Past Self. I saw my Current Self at times literally with my hands on my shoulders from behind, offering love and support to my Past Self. I literally had my own back. I watched myself walk by my own side through every trauma of those four days. My Current Self held my Past Self as I sobbed in rage and grief. I got to relive one of the most hurtful experiences of my life from the perspective of six months down the road, knowing that I am whole and illuminated on the other side of this challenge. I got to support my Past Self from a place of empowerment, grace and feeling secure in my own health, well-being and aliveness. Instead of simply remembering the event as my Past Self, I got to re-experience it with my Past Self, with all the perspective and grace of my current reality. And it felt completely different.

Take a moment and let this sink in: I got to retroactively go back and offer myself healing through the timeline (Energetic Principle #1, above). Read on.

When I think about my lived experience of the event, I remember how supported I felt, even in the midst of four of the worst days of my life. Despite the devastating feeling of betrayal and horrible disillusionment, despite feeling bitter, trapped and alone, I remember feeling almost surprised at how much loving energy I felt around me. I remember several moments when I looked around and almost laughed at the astonishing juxtaposition: on one hand, a key area of my life was actively falling apart in irreparable damage. On the other, I felt more connected, supported and loved than I had any logical reason to feel.

I know now that, during the event, the support I felt was coming not only from my Guides and Teachers (as I thought at the time), but also from my Current Self offering healing that positively impacted my past experience (Energetic Principle #2, above). Read on.

Two of these moments in particular stand out:

On Saturday night after the main event of the evening, I made my way back to the staff house I shared with my partner. I didn’t even know if she would come back that night, or if she would find somewhere else to stay. Regardless, I felt sickened, physically nauseated and shaking from head to toe. Then the weirdest sensation came over me, and I watched as my hands started packing up all my things. Literally, that’s what it felt like. I didn’t consciously make the decision, but somehow my body was moving as if someone else had taken control and was telling it what to do. I watched my body move calmly around the space and was fascinated at the precise care and assuredness my hands exhibited, while my heart and mind felt anything but calm. At the time, I simply marveled at the feeling and let it happen.

The other night as I lay in bed and watched this vision, I saw my Current Self packing up my things at the event. I watched myself calmly and firmly guide my Past Self to take the necessary steps to remove myself from further harm, just as I would guide a friend or client in the middle of a traumatic situation. What I experienced in the moment at the event was my Current Self directing my movements, during a time when I was incapable of making grounded decisions and taking empowered action. Just like my friend describing the car accident, I experienced the visceral feeling of receiving my own, retroactive healing during the traumatic moment itself.

The other big moment of healing I experienced directly while at the event took place that night as I lay awake in a fiery rage. After wandering around and finding absolutely no available beds (short of dragging a mattress into the van), I had decided to sleep on a narrow cot in the next room, rather than stay one more second in a bed I had shared with my partner. I lay seething, wracked with grief and rage in equal measure, and used my breath to open my channels and allow the energy to flow. Suddenly, I was overcome with bliss. I didn’t consciously understand it, but I knew somehow that I had shifted out of the raw pain and into the pure life force at its core. I didn’t question it, I simply let myself dissolve in that bliss and be revitalized by it.

The other night as I watched this vision, I saw my Current Self kneeling beside the cot, placing my hands on my Past Self and offering all the healing love and compassion in my heart. And I saw the practices and intention I had at the time combine with and respond to this healing through the timeline. In the past, I experienced it as an inexplicable gratitude and euphoria. But now I know that I was able to retroactively heal and alter my lived experience of an incredibly traumatic circumstance. I felt healing take place the other night as I offered love to myself in the past, and I felt healing even while at the event, as I received love and blessings from myself in the future.

When I eventually did go back to sleep the other night, I knew that some profound healing work had taken place. Indeed, the next several days have felt much lighter and clearer.
 

TAKEAWAYS:

(If you decided to skip ahead, resume reading here.)

• I was guided by Spirit to offer healing energy to a past situation, and it worked.

• I experienced a profound and immediate relief by offering healing energy through the timeline. I feel the effects of this healing not only in my current reality, but I also experienced the benefits during the traumatic incident itself.

• As citizens of Earth and Lightworkers on this planet, we all received a powerful Priest/ess activation from the Virgo Full Moon. We are all being prompted and activated to offer healing energy throughout the timeline for the benefit of All Beings.

• As we are empowered Creators building a New Earth, we have the opportunity to offer healing to our ancestors, to our own past lives, to our descendants and to the future of Earth.

• It is vitally important that we use this Sacred Work to offer healing through the timeline, not only to clear and heal trauma from the past, but also to set the course for our future, personally and collectively.

• At a time of tremendous uncertainty and fear, a lot of people are asking, “What’s going to happen?” Friends, we answer that question every day with our choices, our prayers, our words and our actions. Instead of asking what the future holds, part of the Priest/ess path is the Sacred Work of anchoring in the frequency of harmonious alignment, joy, peace and right relation that spans throughout the timeline. The Sacred Work is to lovingly guide our planet and all beings to live in alignment with frequency, and create a New Earth in that vision.

  Get Support:

  Are you ready to step fully into your Embodied, Wild Self and offer powerful healing throughout the timeline, for the benefit of All Beings?
  
  Apply now for Embody Wild™ 1:1! Check out the details and submit your application here.

Practice Prompts For You:

(This is a new style so I'm open to feedback on this variation of Practice Prompt--let me know how you like it! One prompt each for ceremony, journaling, movement, discussion and inspired action.)

Ceremony: Hold a Full Moon ritual for yourself (if you haven’t already)

Journal: What is my Sacred Work?

Move: Ask your body how it wants to feel, move and express your Sacred Work. Dance, roll, stretch, walk it out.

Discuss: With a friend/family/community member, talk about the concept of healing through the timeline. What past challenges and traumas would you like to heal for yourself and for the planet? What future healing would you like to see for yourself and for everyone?

Act: What ONE inspired action step can you take TODAY to move in this direction?

Get Support: Are you ready to step fully into your Embodied, Wild Self and offer powerful healing throughout the timeline, for the benefit of All Beings?

Apply now for Embody Wild™ 1:1!

Part of me was afraid to go to Avalon, and now I know why (plus pictures!)

I returned 90 days ago from a priestess pilgrimage to Avalon. Since then, in addition to massive growth and activation, my life has been completely upended in a few key areas. For these past three months, I’ve been sitting with rage, grief, betrayal, catharsis, purification, power and resilience.

…which is exactly what I was afraid of.

My first morning in Avalon--I awoke before sunrise with a sense of urgency to go up the Tor (the hill). I practically ran to the top and did qi gong as the sun rose orange and burned off the surrounding mist.

In case you’re not familiar with Avalon, it’s an ancient and sacred site in England, most well known in mythology relating to King Arthur and the Lady of the Lake. The Isle of Avalon corresponds to the contemporary town of Glastonbury, where there are many cherished sacred sites. I had been feeling the Soul Calling to travel to Avalon for well over a year. The circumstances of my trip were about as divinely aligned as one could imagine, and for months preceding my trip, I felt the energy building with power and possibility.

And yet, along with that sense of power and potential came fear. As I journaled in preparation for the pilgrimage, I found myself expressing trepidation and anxiety. The fear I felt wasn’t attached to any particular concern—I knew from my meditations and my guidance that this pilgrimage was part of a series of powerful initiations, and that I would receive incredible activations as part of my journey. But along with the knowledge of the activations that awaited me, a very human survival-level fear lurked in the background.

It’s a lot easier for me to look back now and understand what I felt at the time. As I was preparing to head into this powerful initiation portal, the part of me that felt afraid was the part of me that has been dying since that trip—the part of me that was burned to ash in my rage, dissolved in a pool of grief and slashed by the sharp blade of betrayal. That part has ultimately surrendered to catharsis.

Friend, have you ever experienced a Soul Calling that simultaneously thrilled and terrified you? Have you felt the raw power and potential that awaits you, but known that it comes at the cost of the life you used to lead? Have you known that, as you were choosing your own liberation, you were also choosing your own death?

I spent more time on the Tor than pretty much anywhere else in Avalon. Here I am after another sunrise practice. I also watched a couple of sunsets, went up a handful of times during the day, and twice after sunset to look at the stars.

I also spent a lot of time in the Chalice Well Gardens. This is the Chalice Well itself, which is connected to the Red Spring (one of the sacred springs of Avalon). I did several mornings of qi gong practice by the Lion's Head fountain in the gardens.

This is exactly the nature of the fear that I felt leading up to my trip. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that my pilgrimage to Avalon was rooted in pure soul calling and resonance, but that by taking the trip, I would have to finally let go of one of the most significant aspects of my life. I knew that the initiations I received on this journey would offer me more power and freedom than I could consciously understand, but that I would also be choosing the death of my old self.

Friend, it has been a bumpy ride. This particular death cycle has primarily taken the form of an incredibly challenging breakup. The exact details aren’t important for this story, but suffice it to say that I have been witnessing with dumbfounded amazement the perfect shitstorm that is continuing to unfold even as we speak. Every time I think the situation has bottomed out, the bottom drops again.

It. Fucking. Sucks.

…but in addition to the massive suck-age and heartache, I am also present to the cosmic perfection of it all. My former partner and I were together for two years, despite knowing that we weren’t each other’s people. We figured out very early on in our relationship that we wanted different things and had different visions for our lives, but decided to journey together anyway out of our mutual love and appreciation, and the growth that was available to us even as not-forever-partners. We each became the go-to person for the other. We built a life together that was rich, beautiful and fun. We were in love, and it was good.
But it wasn’t right, and we both knew it. In fact, we both knew it for more than a year before we finally separated in September.

Looking back now, I can easily see that the fear I felt before going to Avalon came from the part of me that knew it would not survive the journey. The version of me in the not-right partnership, the life I had built with someone I loved and was unwilling to leave: that was the part that felt afraid and resistant. That part of me knew that the initiations I would receive on the pilgrimage would shift me out of alignment with staying in that relationship. I knew that going to Avalon and walking through that portal would mean the end of that chapter of my life.

And just three short weeks after arriving back from Avalon, it all came crashing down in a non-negotiable, can’t-possibly-ignore, what-the-fuck-is-happening, shitstorm that I have been processing and integrating since the beginning of September.

Even though the aftermath of my Avalon trip looks for all intents and purposes like total destruction, entering that initiation portal was one of the most powerful choices I have ever made, and I have no regrets. Even though it has meant the death of my relationship (along with many other connected parts of my identity and life structure) and the continued processing of uncomfortable feelings and shitty circumstances, I am glad I chose that path. Remember the rage, grief, betrayal and catharsis I mentioned earlier? Even though these energies have challenged me to my core, they have been vitally important to the process, because they gave me the perfect fodder to alchemize into true power and resilience. I am blowing my own mind every day with who I am becoming and what I am capable of.

My group had private access to Stonehenge on the last day of the pilgrimage.

Just as I’m experiencing the 3D “whiplash” in response to massive energetic expansion, this Soul Calling has also paved the way for massive growth in other areas. My energetic mastery, psychic perception and attunement to the subtle levels is off the charts. Aside from the relationship blowup, my return from Avalon has included many creative and fruitful projects. I have also begun to refine my work with Dragons and work with higher-vibration practices. My physical body feels more healthy and vital, my community connections are flourishing and I have been invited to share my work in new and exciting places.

I have shared very little about my Avalon trip (it’s obviously still landing and integrating), but it felt important to share with you about the ripple effects of an activation experience. (Side note: did you catch the episode of Shaman Sister Sessions that went out two weeks ago? It was about Soul Activations, and it is directly related to our topic for today. Check it out here.) In particular, I wanted to share this with you because I know I’m not alone when it comes to feeling fear around a soul calling.

Friend, I bet you can relate. Maybe you’ve had an experience like mine, where you feel the power and potential leading up to an initiation experience, knowing that part of you will die in the process, but you choose it anyway. Or maybe you have felt the power and potential emanating from a soul calling, but you haven’t answered it because the cost seems too great. Maybe you’re afraid to let that part of yourself die, so you have yet to step through the initiation portal that awaits you.

I am here to tell you that you will be okay. I promise. It might not seem like it, and believe me, I’ve heard all the objections. Their Soul Calling will lead them to this lineage and body of knowledge, but when it comes time to commit to their journey, their hidden fears come up. When we dig deeper and finally get to the root of it, they say things like, “I’m afraid my marriage won’t survive,” or, “I’m afraid I’ll lose my friends and family because they won’t understand me,” or, “I’m afraid I won’t be able to keep putting up with what I have been tolerating,” or, “I’m afraid because I don’t know who I’ll be if I say yes to that level of growth.” Essentially, all of these people fear the same thing: the death of their old Self.

What about you? What Soul Calling is inviting you to step through a powerful initiation portal, and at what cost? What liberation, power and potential awaits you as you surrender your past self to death?

Are you willing to let yourself die in order to grow and be reborn? Are you willing to shift out of alignment with everything that doesn’t serve you anymore, so you can create more of what does?

It may not be comfortable, but I promise, it’s worth it.

And if your Soul Calling is asking you to step into the initiation portal of Embody Wild, I invite you to answer the call. What growth, expansion and rebirth waits for you on the other side?

If you're ready to see what Embody Wild holds for you, begin the process by submitting your application here.

Your Soul Calling is waiting for you. What do you need to do to answer it?

Many blessings,

Inspiration

While at Stonehenge, I had several visions, past life memories and revisited soul agreements. This was one of the places where I passed through a major initiation portal.

Can you see the double rainbow? I took this picture on my last evening in Avalon after a torrential rainstorm. I climbed Wearyall hill to get a look at the Tor and was treated to this powerful sight.